If you could have 20/20 vision would you take it?

If there was a cure for your disability would you take it?

This is a question that can provoke many numerous responses. Some people may not want a cure because their disability is a definite part of who they are. Some people may jump at the chance to be free of the unique hurdles having a disability presents. Then there are people like me who lye somewhere in the middle, most of the time and sway slightly towards a yes or no answer depending on the day, mood etc.

As I say I tend to lye somewhere in the middle of both yes and no. This is because there isn’t a cure for my condition. In all likelihood, there never will be either so, for the most part, I tend not to overwhelm myself by thinking ‘What if’?

Don’t get me wrong there are days I wonder what it would be like to be able to drive and not have to rely on public transport ALL THE TIME, especially when it’s cold, dark, raining/snowing, late, if the train or bus will be overcrowded or late. On the other hand, I’m grateful I don’t have to worry about the cost of petrol, road tax, finding a parking space, parking tickets, the possibility of being the designated driver, insurance etc.

This may sound like a very weird perspective of public transport but despite the long travel time compared to that of driving, there is something quite lovely about public transport. Despite some of the funky smells, obnoxious travellers and joys of delays, I think there is quite a nice community feel when travelling by public transport. A positive or horrible journey doesn’t just affect you on a personal level it’s something to be shared with fellow passengers.

I also love listening to music or a book and being able to relax and not have to worry about other drivers, whether there are roadworks I have to navigate or if rain, snow etc necessitates extra concentration. Having had to rely on public transport all my life I like being able to sit back and watch the scenery go by or create stories in my head about the other passengers … yes, I’m one of those people.

There are days when I’m just not feeling the headache or eyestrain when lighting is too bright or I concentrate too much and don’t allow my eyes to rest. I mean really? Who thought tension headaches was a good idea in the first place?

There are days when I despair when watching a film for the first time and I don’t have audio-description on or I can’t be bothered to turn it on, because I’m that visually impaired person who doesn’t utilise services and then regrets it later. If only I wasn’t so lazy or stuck in my bad habits I might actually make a good disabled person.

In the past three months, I have used my cane every day. Therefore I have noticed the number of people who almost trip over my cane, I will admit that despite not actually wanting to trip people up I do find it kinda funny seeing people do this weird dance when they realise I’m not gonna move out of their way. I know it’s not funny, BUT seeing people get all flustered that a disabled person dared leave their house and brave the outside world is kinda funny. Coz we all know that all disabled people aren’t capable of anything besides sit in a dark corner out of sight and despair about how crappy their lives are …

However, I could go without every second person say sorry when they move out of the way at the last second. What are you sorry for? Noticing me from a mile of and being too lazy to move sooner?

Oh and I just love it when unexpected obstacles are left in the middle of the pavement because who doesn’t love a little adventure on their usual route? Also, cobbled or uneven paths? I have to admit I love them. It’s fun to wonder when you’ll inevitably trip and try and pass it off as something you meant to do. Did I mention overhanging branches? Because who wants to reach their destination unscathed or haven’t entered a hair off with Boris Johnson?

Hmmm, okaaaaayyy let’s move on from the dark, self-entitled, narcissistic side of me and shut that little gremlin away for a little bit.

There are certainly days I could go without wandering if my backache is because of an impending period or because once again I didn’t utilise the amazing advances in technology that allow smartphones, tablets and computers to be enlarged or read out labels on packaging.

I grew up in a time when early incarnations of useful assistive technology were still quite unhelpful and rather bulky and would draw much more attention to someone’s disability than the mostly streamline and sleek technology we have today. Therefore I have a bit of a bad complex surrounding assistive technology. I know it exists and, for the most part, makes things much easier, but I have this awfully intrusive thought that even using these useful technologies, only when I’m in public, will make me look even more disabled than I feel. I think this comes from growing up in mainstream society and trying to act more able-bodied than I actually am just to try my utmost to fit in with what is considered normal.

So if there was a viable cure for my condition would I take it? Sure why not … but only if my memories, friends and life lessons weren’t wiped as a result. Not that I can ever recall being asked this outright but if I could go back and be born without my disability? I’d have to say no. That might sound crazy because why would anyone want to be born with extra challenges to hurdle in their life? A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON that’s who.

BUT!!! I’ve made friends, experienced things, achieved things I might not have had to chance to if I was fully sighted. This sounds slightly insane I know … but then again I am a little insane. I know the likelihood is that I would have been able to do, achieve and experience things differently, more easily in some cases. However, whos to say my life would have been any better if I was fully sighted?

Yes having a disability is rather shitty at times but it also gives you opportunities, insights and connectivity to a wide, strong and diverse group of people.

As I’ve grown up, matured if you will, although, at heart, I’m still just an eight year old, to be honest. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine just the other day and to be honest growing up isn’t as fun, freeing and carefree as being a young child, at least to a certain degree, coz who wants to deal with adulting when you can spend hours pretending to be a dinosaur? Anywho, I’ve become a lot more comfortable with my life as it is, disability and all. I don’t know if I’d want normal if I’d actually want to be just another face in the crowd.

My visual impairment is part of who I am. It’s most certainly not all of who I am but it’s had a massive impact on my life both good and bad. It’s my normal.